Guide to the Super Bowl
It's that yearly event where men put on helmets and chase a ball down the field, and we have to pretend we actually care. Here's a guide to help those, who really don't care, get through the night. Here's what to expect and how to deal with it.
1. Look up who's playing
It's an über American team from New England and some vicious birds from Atlanta.
2. This is Superbowl LI
Which means "Losers Involved" - jk it's for 51....as in the 51st game...how did we make it this far?
3. Learn some quick facts about the past games
Learn what Deflate Gate is... Yes, it's as bad as it sounds...deflated egos...
New England has been in it like 8 million times already (greedy butts), and Atlanta has only been in it once before (so sad).
4. Plan your party
Aka: Find the best, most carb-packed recipes you can.
5. Alcohol, lots of alcohol, which can help pass the time
Normally, one does not promote drinking, but in this case it's the only thing to help you get through the football part of tonight.
6. Don't talk during the commercials
Talking during the game is fine, in fact go ahead and chat it up. But, as soon as the commercials come on you betta shut da heck up.
7. The half-time show is "The World's Biggest Stage"
And Lady Gaga will be singing so get your crazy ready and maybe have sunglasses handy - she tends to over-bedazzle everything she wears.
8. Who do you want to win?
Honestly, don't care. The red/white/blue team or the black/red team. Personally, black is quite fashionable and slimming, so I'm going to go with them.
Good luck and may your weight gain not be as dramatic as it feels